how to be in control of your relationship

How to be in Control in Your Relationship without being Controlling


I’m a firm believer that a man should be the leader in his relationships. He should be one to call most of the shots in a relationship, and navigate the relationship to the right direction in the momentum he wishes. I believe a man should be in control.



Nowadays, when I look around the society, I see a lot of men who have given up control in their relationships. Although, most of them didn’t relinquish this power intentionally. Most times, it’s a result of following mainstream dating advice— which usually gives men the notion that the way to keep a woman is to treat her like a goddess or like a fragile egg.

Hence, when most men enter a relationship, especially with a girl they love, they supplicate and start doing almost everything the lady asks of them. As this goes on, the lady starts gaining more power and soon she becomes in control of the relationship.



There is another group of men. They don’t actually supplicate to women— as a matter of fact they COMMAND ladies on what to do and what not to do in the relationship. These guys are not actually in control of their relationships, but they’re controlling.

This is bad also because it leaves girls with this bitter feeling. That feeling of being caged; not being free. When you’re controlling to your girlfriend, she’ll start seeing you as a controlling parent figure.

And when this happens, she builds up her wall and starts hiding things from you, and begin doing things behind your back— most times, very naughty things.

In other words, she starts rebelling you. Trust me, you don’t want your girlfriend to become rebellious towards you.

So what’s the right way to do it? Strike a balance!

how to be in control of your relationship


I know the question on your mind is, “How can I be in control of my relationship, without being controlling?” I’ll definitely answer that question soon, but first I’ve to tell you a very vital thing about women, which is:

“Women continually test men.”

From the time you meet a lady she will start testing you. Even when you enter a relationship with her, or get married to her, or celebrate your 25 years anniversary in marriage. She will continue to test you. Although, the longer you stay together, the lesser the tests you face.


Why Women Test Men

If you are a regular reader here, you should already know by now that women are attracted to dominant and strong men. When I say ‘strong,’ I don’t only mean physical strength— I’m also referring to mental/inner/emotional strength (which is most important to ladies).

Now the main reason women test men is to know how strong you are as a man (that is, when they’re still getting to know you) or to know if you’re still that strong man they fell in love with (that is, when you’re already in a relationship with them).

In other words, women test you to know if you are truly that strong confident man you’re portraying to be or if you are still that strong confident men she fell for.

It is interesting to note that women will only start to test you if they consider you as a potential mate. Hence, if a woman is testing you, it means she likes you, but she’s still not completely convinced about you. Although, a woman will not test you if she adores you completely. In that case, she thinks you are already perfect, so there’s no need to test you.

For example, if a girl idolizes Wizkid, she won’t test Wizkid if eventually he makes advances at her. And the more experienced a lady is, the stronger and more precise her test becomes.

When you pass these tests, their attraction for you increases, but if you fail, it decreases. And if you keep failing it, there’ll be a time they will fall completely out of love with you, and then start pushing for a break up, or cheat on you.



There are several ways women test men, that if I try to list all of them, I might end up writing a full book about that. But I’ll give you certain examples of how women test their men in relationships. And maybe in a later post I’ll give examples of tests women give men they’re not yet in a relationship with— but they’re still considering as mates.

Example of Some tests women throw at their men:

I) My course mate (male) invited me for his birthday (all night), I would love to go. All my friends are going. What do you think about that?

II) My ex wants to meet up. It has been quite long though, so let me just see him. I hope you don’t mind?

III) I need some break from this relationship. I think we should spend some time apart from each other.

IV) You two are walking along the street, and suddenly she asks you to carry her handbag for her. When you see absolutely no need to.



The first way to deal with tests in a relationship is by knowing exactly what you want in a relationship. Do you want a more of an open relationship… where you two are free to spend time with each opposite sex? Do you want to a girlfriend who goes to parties by herself or with other female friends? Are you okay with carrying a girl’s handbag in public?

Just know exactly what you want in your relationships, then when she tests you via one of them. You stand on what you want. However, there’s a way to do that, so that she won’t see at as controlling.

how to be in control of your relationship


Let’s look at the first test above:

“My course mate (male) invited me for his birthday (all night), I would love to go. All my friends are going. What do you think about that?”

What would you do if you don’t welcome the idea of your girlfriend going for a male course mate’s all night party just with her friends? And since it’s a male course mate, the population of males would be more in the party. Truth be told, it’s a bad idea.

So what would you do?

I) Get angry, and shut her off immediately commanding her not to go. Or even tell her the only way she’ll go is if you accompany her.


II) You agree with her, and tell her to go (because you don’t want to say “No” to her, or give her the idea you don’t trust her, or that you’re insecure.)

If you do ‘A,’ you’ll leave her with a bitter feeling. That feeling a teenager has when his parents tell him not to go to party with his friends. And if you decide to go with her without her inviting you to the party herself, you’ll give her the feeling you are overprotective and insecure.  These two feelings are not good ones to leave your girlfriend with.

On the other hand, if you just let her go like that, you’ve given up some of your power in the relationship. You’ve given her the idea that she could go for other forthcoming night parties without any consequences.

So this is like a dilemma right? Like being in between the devil and the deep blue sea? Nah! There’s always a better way rather than choosing a lesser evil— if you look hard enough.



The best way to deal with this is to push it back to her, by smoothly reminding her how that’s such a bad idea and also let her know that they would be consequences if she decides to go ahead to do it. So you allow her to talk herself out of that.

But first of all, you have to maintain your cool. Don’t show emotions of anger or jealousy when a woman tests you. Just relax— ladies really pay attention to your body language when they test you.

If you already know what you want in your relationships, and: You don’t want a girlfriend who parties by herself or just with her friends, or a girl who visits her ex, You don’t fancy carrying your girlfriend’s bag in public, and you don’t do breaks.

So the next step is push it back to her. How can you do this? I’ll show you.



Her: My course mate (male) invited me for his birthday (all night), I would love to go. All my friends are going. What do you think about it?”

You: That’s cool Hun… but that means I’m free to club and party hard with my male friends too. You know what’s good for the goose is also good for the gander, right? [You say this in a cool calm manner]

Analysis: Now you’ve pushed it back to her. You’re looking to give her a feeling of jealousy. So she now thinks to herself, if I go to this one thing, I’ve successfully given him a free pass to be clubbing with those his brostitutes he has as friends. All those loose club girls? No! This is a bad idea. Now she would likely reply you

Her: No oo!!! You want to use this opportunity to be whoring around with your friends. I’m not going again.

You: Common Hun! It would be fun, don’t you trust me? (You say this with a funny facial expression)

Her: No, I don’t. Thank you sir!

Further Analysis: Jealousy is a strong emotion for women. So they are always going to likely make a decision based on it. This would really work amazingly well if she knows you’re an attractive man who gets lots of ladies’ attention. So get attractive!

And even if she goes, she has successfully signed a contract with you to flex hard with your male friends. But most girls won’t take that option.



Her: My ex wants to meet up. It has been quite long though, so let me just see him. I hope you don’t mind?

You: That’s awesome… You know that my secondary school ex, Chioma? She has been disturbing me so that we could meet up for a while now. So, I’ve been putting it off because I thought it won’t be okay with you that I was meeting up with my ex. But since you’re cool with it us meeting exes, I’ll arrange a meet with her one of these days.

Analysis: You’ve also pushed it back to her in this scenario. Now, a girl knows it’s a bad idea for her boyfriend to reestablish contact with an ex he once had feelings for me. Girls are that smart to know that. So she would likely talk herself out of it.



Her:  I need some break from this relationship. I think we should spend some time apart from each other.

You: I don’t do breaks Hun. It’s either we’re dating or we’re not. So what’s it going to be?

Analysis: If you asked her “why she wanted a break or start begging her not to go.” You’re supplicating to her, you’re chasing her. And if she eventually agrees to stay in the relationship with you, she has assumed the leader— she’s now in control of the relationship. If you agree with her, you’ve given her a free pass to see other men and it also shows you don’t actually care.

But when you push it back to her, and force her to make a hard decision either to be in a relationship with you or break up with you at that very moment; you’ve thrown her off balance. Then she’s likely to start telling you the reason(s) why she wants a break from you.

Her: It’s not that I want to break up with you— I still want to be in a relationship with you, but you don’t seem to appreciate me anymore. I feel like you’re getting tired of me already.

You: Why would you say such? What actions have I displayed or didn’t, to make you feel that way Hun?

Further Analysis: If you continue asking her the right questions, you’ll actually get to the root of the problem. Then if you know the problem, you can now know how to solve it. As you can see, you were in control of the situation right from time.



Her: You two are walking along the street, and suddenly she asks you to carry her handbag for her. (When you see no absolutely no need to do so)

You: Lol! Carry your bag jare. If you’re tired of carrying handbags, you could always buy a wallet like me.

Her: Leave me jor! You’re not romantic.

You: You know I’ll always make it up to you in the Ozza room <you wink>

Analysis: If you don’t really fancy doing something, you don’t have to do it because your girl asks you to. But always learn to decline ladies’ requests in a not-so serious way and find a way to make her laugh immediately.



In my last committed relationship, there was this particular month my girlfriend then, started making all these silly requests from me. First, she asked me to hold her handbag in public, I declined gently. The following week she asked me, “Why I haven’t uploaded her picture online before?”  I dealt with that too.

Then in the same week, she asked me to accompany her to a female friend’s party. It was then I realized that it was something more than test. She wasn’t testing me any longer, there was something more. When I inquired further, I found out that she was asking for all those things because she thought I wasn’t proud to have her as a girlfriend. So she wanted me to show people we were dating.

So when I found out this, I immediately took her out on a romantic date, and gave her passionate kisses and explicit touches in public. Once, I began flaunting her more publicly, all those silly requests of hers vanished at once. She was happy, I had my peace, and everyone was happy, but most importantly I was still in control of my relationship.




To be in control of your relationship, and not to be a controlling partner, you have to learn how to deal smoothly with the tests your woman will shove your way from time to time. These tests are ways to know if you’re still the strong and dominant man she fell for and respects.

Most times, the reason women disrespect or cheat on their men in relationships is because they’ve failed these tests.

So as long as you keep passing these tests, and declining their silly requests smoothly. She’ll have no other option but to respect and fall in love with you more.


Cheers to being in control of your relationship,


Also Read: She tells you she has a boyfriend? Do this

About the Author: Gerald Dike

Gerald Dike is the founder of Relationship Strategies For Men. He has helped thousands of men have better interactions and healthy relationships with women of their dreams. He is also an entrepreneur in one of the biggest countries in Africa.

You can grab his new Book here==> The Attractive Man: How to Become the Man Who Women Desire And Chase

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